Candide: Like, Oh Mah Gawd, Disembowelment (7&8)

I shall beg Lady Cunégonde to teach us the secret of how to survive disembowellment. Before I knew what that word meant i supposed she had really indeed suffered from minor violent acts, but no, she's just that perfect, apparently "people don't always die of those mishaps"
In the list of modern-day cause-effect situations, right above "If you lend your cellphone to a stranger he/she will take off" it says, "never sleep in a strangers house or she will steal you kidney". Unless Cunégonde is missing one kidney or one lung (or both), there is simply no way she is back in the story. This is ridiculous, ever since I watched Rosario Tijeras I like it better when characters stay dead.
I just cant seem to like Lady Cunégonde, like, ugh, she's complaining how they killed her brother and her mother and, like, her father and, like, everybody else around in like a bloody massacre, and I'm just like, oh my gawd, like, you're not the only one okay lady? like, honestly, who does she think she is?

"Candide [...] gazed at her the whole time in rapt attention, [and] did not miss a single world" wow... just... you sure he's not gay?